How do you raise a son?

We grew up in a house full of girls. Our cousins were all girls - except for 2 boys on mom's side and 2 boys on dad's side.

So you know something? Nobody knows how to raise a son in my family.

I ask hubs how to do it - but there's a large age gap between his siblings and himself - so he really has no clue either.

Adam fought with a boy in school. The boy Kai Ler pushed Adam until Adam hit the whiteboard and scratched his upper arm on a sharp point. Adam's shirt tore due to the impact and his wound had bled and had required the kindergarten to bring out the first aid box.

The teachers at school went quite bezerk and decided to split the 2 boys up because they always fight. So they put Adam back in the 3 year old class with teacher Winnie while Kai Ler stayed in the 4 year old class with teacher Aruna.

Teacher Aruna tried to explain that Adam was 'behind' as compared to Kai Ler in terms of writing and reading hence the suggestion to put Adam in the 3 year old class while Kai Ler could remain in the 4 year old class. In the meantime Adam can catch up.

Teacher Winnie informed that Adam always 'behaved' with her hence the suggestion.

That made Adam's mom freak out. Adam cannot stay with teacher Winnie. He is terrified of her. I would rather pull Adam out from that school before he is subjected to teacher Winnie again!

My mom and sisters went hysterical when they heard about this and asked me what the teachers were doing? Why wasnt there enough supervision? Then they concluded that Adam should change school. My mom and sisters and nanny all protested like mad that Adam was the one 'demoted' to the three year old class and not Kai Ler 'the bad child'. Why must Adam be 'demoted' ... in our family nobody has ever been demoted only promoted blah blah ....

Adam's dad thought Adam cannot move school. This is life. You cannot have everything according to your wish. In some other school some other bully will attack Adam - and quite likely Adam is also a bully himself so biarkan je ...

My friend Hani says that shrinks would also say let kids deal with peer pressure on their own. (They will be exposed to more and more pressure as they grow up anyway right?)

Then Adam's mom decided that she had better do something. She talked to teacher Aruna nicely to get this message across :

Lets see. Adam goes to school to learn. You teacher aruna, are to teach. So if he is behind - dont try to shove him somewhere else - bloody hell woman, just teach him! What's the problem? That is your job! Make sure the kids settle down and learn. Try to handle small fights now n then. Do split up kids that are always in each other's face (but not to a diff class, same class diff seating arrangement lah). I thought this should be childs play for a kindy teacher! Sigh! Ini pun mau ajar!

So teacher Aruna is now quite happily giving Adam extra attention and asking him to do more writing and reading as Adam needs 'extra coaching' to 'catch up' with other kids (who have been going to school since they were breast feeding im sure.)

Teacher Winnie tried to intervene and say Adam had best stay in her class. So Adam's mom was forced to be frank with her and say "Im sure you are very nice. But you know I dont know what happend but Adam does not like you. He is scared of you so he cannot attend your class. No matter how well behaved he is in that class."

I thought I would keep Adam in the same school. Its not easy to switch school because there is the child's emotional upheaval to consider as well. They take ages to get used to a new place.

I refuse to have Adam in Winnie's class because I thought Adam should not have to deal with an adult bullying him. Come on even if we want him to learn about life and its difficulties we have to give him demons that are his own size to be fair. He is only 3 years old.

But I dont think it should be a problem for him to be in the same class as Kai Ler. They can slug it out.

All my family members think I am heartless to keep Adam in that school.

Adam is happy in his school one minute and wants to change school the next - depends who is asking.

My husband thinks I molly coddle Adam too much ...

So anyway ... is it normal for boys to fight until clothes get torn? Did I choose the wrong school for Adam?

How do you raise a boy?

Lots more boys to raise too ... sigh!

The loves of my life

Dan on his tum. Adam and Imran clowning around.

Leaves from my garden

These are tamarind leaves from the vegetable garden out back. I have some brinjals, a curry leaf plant and some tamarind which have survived for 2 years in pots. Nanny has had a hard time of it shooing cats away from the pots. As usual the kitties always think any spare earth in a pot is their litter box. :D

I have no further ambition to grow anything else out there except grass which we put in last weekend (we previously had weeds instead of grass). Not that I dont look after plants well. I do try. Its just that I dont have the time.

Everyone in Asia uses the tamarind as a flavour (sour) in cooking. But I dont know if anyone other than Burmese people use the leaves for soup. The tamarind leaf makes a really nice sour soup. Tastes great boiled into a soup with a bit of shrimp paste, some pounded dried prawns, garlic and onions (salt to taste). It has a light, tangy taste and goes well with fried fish. Kids love it.

You can also add cili padi (small chilies) to spice it up for the adults.

Flowers in my garden

I love these flowers in my garden! Hope I won't manage to kill all these pretty things.

My garden before and after

Admittedly our house has been the shame of the neighbourhood for way too long. Too cheap to spend on real deal carpet grass and landscaping ... no time to spend nurturing plants ... no mood to get down and do the dirty work ... meant that we were the most humiliating home in town.

It got so bad that neighbourhood dogs wanted it to be their dump - until yours truly glared at the owners. C'mon people, have some courtesy. I didnt buy this house so your pooch can poop all over my driveway.

But then the cats decided it was their poo area too and I thought we really should revamp our home ... seeing as how this is the year for self actualisation and all that ... not that gardening is necessarily my cup of tea.

Thank God we did something about it tho because there was rain water in the old flower planters that could have caused dengue (tho we did empty them out everyday). Our neighbours also gave friendly comments which goes to show that they truly appreciated our efforts to spruce up the house like they have.

Anyway Alhamdulillah we now live in Bali! - or so we think lah. heh heh. Our spanking new plants are looking good but cannot take out the strings yet to free the leaves because we painted the fence too (it was getting rotten with rust lah - sigh we were in such bad shape) and the paint needs to dry.

Adam and Imran love the new garden. They love hopping from stepping stone to stepping stone. Im glad I bought a bunch of them tho the space to work out a path is almost non existent!:)

A big thank you to my hubby who helped like nobody's business ... and also to the Bangladeshi helper we hired to do all the dirty work with us.

We even have grass in the back yard people! We are too legit to quit! :D


Before!

















After!

Could you? Yes. But should you? - Marketing, promoting, selling and copywriting Allah

When I was small I used to get my English wrong most of the time. I used to ask permission from my mom like this : "Can I go to the shops for some sweets?" and my mom would say "Ofcourse you could .... " and before I got all excited at the prospect she would say "But should you?"

The message was that when I ask permission it was not a matter of could I - after all we all know anyone could walk to the shops and get sweets. No, when I ask permission it was a matter of should I ... which means that even if I could go ... mom could determine whether or not I should. And that is why I should ask for permission with "May I ...." and not "Can I ..." Not that asking for the very same thing with "May I ..." would result in a positive response for the obvious reason that sweets are not good for a child! :D

I guess the whole Allah issue boils down to this. The Christians believing they could and so they did without thinking whether they should .... and the Muslims feeling that they had the right to grant permission or not grant it when it comes to the usage of their God's name. And assuming the Muslims had the authority to grant permission and assuming the Christians acknowledged this authority and asked politely for the usage to be allowed via the "May I ... " phrase it would still result in an uncomfortable no from the majority of Muslims. Why? Because I guess everybody knows that the God the Christians worship is not called Allah and almost all Muslims perceive that the usage of Allah in the Christian religious text would be 'false advertising' in order to persuade the Muslim majority to consider Christianity.

But do not think only Christians engage in this false advertising. Muslims do the same. Some years ago my husband and I bought a box of translations of the Quran at RM5 a piece from a Muslim charity. These Qurans were pure translations with no arabic text and the translation to English was in simple layman terms. I thought the Qurans odd and compared them to the old Yusuf Ali translations ... and I noticed that in these new translations the word "Allah" had been carefully replaced with the word "God". Just like the Christians know how affectionate Muslims are toward Allah ... Muslims know how allergic non Muslims are to the word and had removed it from their text. :)

There are many Muslim dakwah (missionary) groups that state that if the use of the word Allah would serve to alienate people, that it can be replaced with a more universal and recognisable word "God" in order to invite people to the faith.

And pretty soon you are going to find Bibles full of Allah and Qurans missing Allah! :D

Its amazing how religion has become so commercialised these days.

And since the very pious and religious cannot be trusted not to dupe people in this way I guess the rest of us can use an accounting principle as a guideline to determine right from wrong.

In accounting we have what is lawful ... and what is ethical. What is ethical should always supersede what is lawful. In determining what is ethical we should look to the essence of the matter. And actually it is not hard to differentiate what is ethical and what is not - unless ofcourse you are a politician or someone who has a political affiliation in Malaysia and would prefer to form your opinion in a biased way.

If you ask me is it ethical for Christians to use Allah in the Bibles and in their publications even if it is to teach ethnic tribes their own faith? No. Because they do not pray to that God. They should in fact re educate their congregations on the correct term.

If you ask me if is ethical for the Muslims to remove Allah from the Quran. Also no. Because in essence we worship Allah.

Do we need to copywrite Allah? No, not if everyone was ethical about it.

Self actualisation

To me self actualisation is when someone reaches most if not all of life's standard goals and now does something for themselves. Its when you know you have arrived ... you know? I thought the correct timeline for someone to experience self actualisation would be ... when they turn 36. These days it could be a lot earlier as well I suppose as younger people are far more dynamic compared to people of my time. And it used to take people before my time maybe a whole lifetime before they get to experience it .... for example old Muslim folks experience it via the hajj.

Anyway generally I think 36 is a good age for self actualisation. Mid thirties is usually when people do things they were thinking of doing all the while but dared not ... some gay people come out, some people change faiths, some get married because they are finally able to commit, some quit their nine to fivers and start their own businesses, some change careers, some get divorced, some migrate, others fulfil lifetime dreams of studying at pretegious universities, yet others take up a new expensive hobby like photography or golf. 36 is not too old to start something new and its not too young to feel out of depth.

Just a few months ago I had a moment of false self actualisation. I went to Singapore to conduct a training and attend some meetings. At the time we were really struggling to hold the fort with nanny not around. My trip to Singapore would tax my poor husband like nobody's business because he would have to take care of my three babies by himself. So I must say when I went to Singapore I was down in the dumps.

My Singaporean boss had informed that the hotel I usually stay in (which is nice) was fully booked. So he had checked me into St Regis Singapore on Orchard. If there is a hotel on God's earth that screams fancy schmancy it would be St Regis. After work the first day I walked into the hotel to get my room with my hubby's small grey cabin suitcase which had seen better days (only because my son had spoiled all my newer suitcases by jumping on them with his considerable weight). My travel worn suitcase was passed from hand to hand. From the bellhop at the door to the concierge guy who walked along beside me.

First things first ... I couldnt find the registration counter. Looked around here n there like a country bumpkin before the man with my case ushered me to some super fancy desks and chairs. I sat a desk and a handsome man called Syed came out from a room behind it. He welcomed me profusely to the hotel and got me registered. He mentioned my room number to the guy holding my bag and off the bag went to my room . Syed took a good look at my corporate card and immediately mentioned that I had been upgraded to club rooms ... if I enjoyed my stay hope I will recommend their hotel to my company as the hotel of choice.

I got up to go to my room when Syed got up and came along. I was wondering "wht for?" since the bag had been brought up already ya ... when he explained that personalised service meant tt he had to escort me to my rooms (ya like Id get lost in a hotel corridor after years of checking in at hotels!! haha!)

In the lift he asked "Would ma'am like a seat?" and I looked at him like he was demented until i noticed that there actually was a plush red seat in the very elegant elevator!! So I said "Umm no its ok. I usually stand in elevators!" and he relaxed n smiled too. He made up his mind that I was just a regular person in a not so regular circumstances ... so he decided I should be coached on the services his hotel provides to the rich n famous. "When we get to your room i will teach you how to use the facilities in your room ma'am. Then we will meet your butler ma'am. He or she will take care of your every need while you are here. We hope to make your stay memorable ma'am. Please use all our facilities. Your company is most generous ma'am to have selected St Regis for you. Is this your first time here?"

And in whispered Malay he said "If I were you I would be thrilled to stay at St Regis ... it would be a dream for me ... but you do not look happy ma'am." and I said "Well, I dont really want to travel. I miss my kids." Then he nodded and said "That's what all women executive travellers say ma'am." and looked sympathetic.

When we got to my room he showed me how to turn everything on via remote control - the day drapes, the night drapes, the lights, dimming the lights, tv, dvd player etc, showed me where my WallStreet journal was ... showed me how to ring for the butler and hopped out of the room before I could even tip.

I remember looking all around the room with its chandeliers on the ceilings (one right over the bed and one right over the bath tub for godssake), marble on the floors, its own circular bar and its enormous bathroom with an old fashioned bathtub .. the room was designed for a rich man and looked quite eerie actually with its classy furnishing. I was thinking rather hysterically that this is the moment we are to say "I have arrived!" and not at all feeling like Im anywhere close to 'arriving' with the situation at home as shaky as it was .... when the butler arrived.

My butler was a pretty lady called Anne from the Philippines. She was truly a very hardworking young lady. She served coffee in a coffee set, cut all my complimentary fruits, poured me water to drink, ran me a bath (thank God she didnt try to actually 'give' me a bath as well), she tried to unpack my clothes from my bag - tho I said that was not necessary. When I went out to dinner she ironed my outfits (altho I didnt ask and said there was no need). She brought me my paper, called me a cab ... informed me that if I chose to entertain in my room she could also serve drinks from my bar (there was a lot of liquor in the cabinet - not that I could afford to entertain with the hotel's drinks - even if it was halal) .... actually its heroic how she could think of so many things to do in a hotel room to make herself useful when all I thought we could do in a hotel room is sleep!! hahaha!

I remember being quite afraid of her and her constant presence ... eventho she announced upfront that she came free of charge with the hotel room! :D I also remember thinking "If Id known you were going to be around Id have brought the boys!!"

Anyway that was a moment of false self actualisation. We are going out today to get me self actualised and I think hubs is getting impatient so Id best stop typing and go n scout for that camera I told myself id get and sign up for that photography course I told myself Id get registered for one fine day.

(But go on everyone - check out St Regis Singapore on the net. Its a really nice six star hotel - and it deserves every star.)